Forgotten

It’s 9.20am now in Singapore, but 10.20am at where i am now. Time flies an hour faster here than in Singapore, and the sun rises before 4am every day.

Sometimes i think, i cannot be any healthier here than anywhere else.

Breakfast starts at 7 everyday and ends at 8.30; lunch commences at 11 till 1.30pm; and finish off with dinner at 5 to 8 pm. Lessons start at 9, all the way till 11.50, with two ten minutes breaks in between. Bread and egg, miso, saussages/ fish, and salads, sometimes ham are provided for breakfast. Lunch is a choice of either of the 4 main courses, plus a side dish, a jelly for dessert, and miso soup. Dinner’s another choice of either 4 main courses, plus salad, another side dish and miso again. I’ve never had such nutrional 3 meals before in my entire life. X:

And yesterday, i had my dose of a huge orange and yoghurt.

Well, except the fact that i started to drink coffee almost everyday, gulped a macha icecream yesterday, gobbled lots of delicious tidbits i have in store, stopped exercising once i came to Japan, i’ll think this is how a proper lifestyle should be… But i know my own life will never be as well organised.

Sometimes i think, the kind of life i’m leading now, is too unfathomable back in Singapore. Even as i’m living it now, it still seems distant and unfamilar. There are so many things that i can do, yet there are an equal amount of things that i cannot do. It is just too… too… inflexible?

It’s nearly been 3 weeks since i my first day here in Japan. I’m not missing so much of the local delights, neither am i missing Fluffy as much as i thought i would. i don’t even think of Arron or Leo or any other celebrities now. I just feel so detached from the rest of the world!

And i realised, that if there is something i would horribly miss, it would have to be a companion to talk to.

I can’t feel close to any of the fellow exchange students, and i’m so far away from any other possible being. I daren’t do a lot of skype talk, for i’ll feel so embarrassed with my roomie wthin the same 25m2 space. Suddenly msn talks seem unbelievable superficial, and words on blogs just dont seem to flow or tally with what i’m feeling. I haven’t sung or hummed a single tune since nearly a week ago.

I feel like i’m back toSomeone i was, some time long forgotten.

I am not a courageous person, but neither am i a thoroughly timid one. But now, i am really afraid of losing people who i can talk to, of losing connection to the real world, of losing who i’ve come so far to become.

*

I don’t want you to move on, for you are now the only one i can relate to.

Perhaps it was the sub-conscious realisation that there wouldn’t be anyone else there anymore that made me feel the worst i’ve ever felt for at least the past 3-4 years on the day that you left. It is so much about not having anyone at all.

And it is only until now that my conscious mind discovered it.   

Lone-ity

Here i am at the hotel`s lobby right alone.

Suddenly i don`t know how to feel at home in a place that is not home.

You are not part of my home, but you made me feel so much at home, that now that you`re gone and far away and uncontactable, i don`t know what to do

i don’t know what to do

i don’t know what to do

without you.

 

 

 

i wonder why the letter meant for you’s still here with me.

and now i’m allergic to duffy bear, july, water bottle, late nights, facebook, camera, good food etc etc.

In retrospect

Being away from your city for 2 weeks and longer can have a really great impact on one’s life. My life, actually, if that was not to be generalised. You’ll get to see different things under different light, to experience different ways of life, to learn things you’ll never be able to stuck back at home, and to have time to think about things you ususally wouldn’t.

The 2 weeks mock seclusion life style i had back in China was influential down to the smallest details of life. It seemed like a truely heart and mind cleansing trip, for i learnt to put a lot of things down. Worldly affairs seems too exaggerated a phrase/description, but i did manage to kick a lot of bad habits which i’ve accumulated knowingly and unknowingly over the years. Fahrenheit, Arron, Leo, Tatsuya etc etc. If there is to be a single thing i’m really grateful for, it would have to be how the trip saved me from the realm of silly kiddish idolism.  It is true that i learnt a lot from them, and i am immensely grateful for the way they give me strength in my weakest times, but dependence on them will ultimately turn out more like smokers hooked onto filthy tar than toddlers on mothers’ arms for walking support.

In addition, long overseas trips will definitely be nothing short of self-discovery and the best mental nourishment. This i suppose is really self-explanatory, and my totally weary and shagged state at this present moment would not permit more detailed elaborations which i would have loved to think of but not jot down in black and white.

Hence,

 

z z z

japan travel blog!

http://nihoneikimasu08.blog124.fc2.com/

don’t be too shocked if it’s still an empty shell just yet — =P

hmm

It’s no longer early, and it’s not like i’m not sleepy either.

But the sleep bug just wouldn’t come.

I know i wouldn’t be able to fall tight asleep even if i’d allowed myself to rest. For one, the upcoming Japan trip seems too much of an excitement/anxiety for a mind that has already been worn dead by the tough specialisation choice which i have to make by tomorrow. The choice between bread and love doesn’t only seem to happen literally.

It isn’t the first time when what i like don’t coincide with what i do well in.

…

Regrettably, i’ve only gotten a B+ for my Japanese language elective. I don’t understand why, and i suppose i can never do. I’ve never slept for a single minute during all the hours of lessons we had the entire semester. I’ve never skipped a single lesson if i can help it, not even the numerous Saturday make-ups. If there’s only a module i can proudly face up to, it would be this. I should not even attempt to mention the proportion of time i spent sleeping for my other modules. I should stop comparing the number of other classes i’ve skipped. These are the times when i really hate myself for not comprehending all the ironies of how things turn out. And i shall hate myself even more for being past caring about seeking for the answer to “Why?”.

It takes too much effort for me to clasp onto anything tight.

In just another 3X24 hours, i’ll be on a Japan Airlines flight on my way to Osaka. The lights would probably be out by then, and i shall ask for my set of poker cards to keep as keepsake. Choya will be good with breakfast in the morning, and i shall grab 10 sets of brochures at the Kansai International Airport. I wonder if it still looks the same as was slightly more than 1 years ago.

[:

Finally managed to get myself out of bed and do my long overdued morning jogs for 2 consecutive days! There are really so many things you could theoretically do if you push yourself hard enough, aren’t there?

Like i do know it’s just That easy to punch the keypad and slam the single ‘send’ button.

Ahh, but even when i was in the science stream i hardly ever fare well for the practical component.

And i’m still quite glad i managed to learn how to control my impulsiveness.

Envious?

HAHAHA. That comes with AGE. =P

 

 

 

And did someone mention this 6 degress of separation theory? I think it’s not even 6… Coincidences lie overly abundant… The world’s quite a freakingly small place. Or maybe it’s just a thing called Singapore?

i.III

bid bye bye to my blogger. 

loved it so so so. 

Hard to not let the tears flow,

But 

know certain things have to go. 

May we meet again another day

Another time

Another place.

Thank you for the past 4 years and 4 months.

It’s time to let you go.

 

 

 

Golden-faith, the Field, Always there.

i.II

just downloaded the Skype software for Mom’s sake. She seems to need a lot of everything, and there is so much that i cannot give. Nobody has any idea how much i hate myself for being in this perpetual pissed mood which seems not to have an expiry date.

Technology, technology, technology. 

V said: ‘facebook seems to connect more of people we don’t really know rather than those who we do.’

Me said: ‘Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?’

Is it?

Why’s the need to still connect with those you really know through facebook? Why not just give them a ring? If they are really so important to you, why not be kind enough to ring them up? With mobile phones on nearly everyone’s hands, all your supposed good companions are just a ring away. Is it really that tough?!

know not.

For personally, i haven’t been on a phone call that last more than 5 minutes for the past heaven knows how many years. It isn’t hard to observe that i easily fall into the category of those who can survive very well with pre-historic pagers, since there’s hardly any use of the ‘call’ function for me. It is just so much easier to handle every conversation, every situation, every person through text messages rather than through those direct calls that seem too direct for my comfort.

know it’s the aftermath of Koizora (Sky of Love), but i do know that it is nothing but the truth. 

Technology is hardly helping anyone. 

 

 

Nonetheless, i shall try hard to be a good friend. 

i

was supposed to go jogging at 7.30am today. J said it looks like it’s going to rain. That explained the term ‘was’. So that’s just how easy it is for my motivation and determination to falter? I shall have to make my mom make me wake up and do the task every single day come next week. Come Monday. Come tomorrow. Come 23 hours in the future. 

have not been myself these few days after the China adventure. They’re having a farewell dinner today evening for U, yet strangely i don’t see the motivation to go. Besides, i can’t risk going out for another day tomorrow. I’ve been out for the past 3 days, and will be so for the next 2. I’ll get slaughtered if these two periods get joined into a straight 6 days. Oh still such a cancery homey person. 

need my shell. 

had a dream in the last long sleep. To be more exact, i’ve been having day-dream like dreams for the past few days. Aren’t they tiring. It’s as though i’m living another 24 hours in another dimension in the mere less than 8 hours of sleep. I’m embarrassed to say this but still, i think i was happier in my dreams. They made the unlikely side of things happen, which the reality is powerless to. 

can hardly believe i’m already 50% prey to…

desperately need an overwhelming dose of Tatsuya to get me out. 

think Nakatsu in Japanese version of Hana Kimi’s really really cute. 

wouldn’t want to forget Lee Jun Kee in the current Korean drama i’m watching. The one about cops, triads, and under-covers. 

can hardly believe i’m allowing myself to revert to the old crappy me. 

do hope this is only a transition state. 

need Tatsuya badly though. Help.

i tried

searching for common traits of Cancerians from friends’ experience and online horoscope sites. It was not with a rekindled interest in self that prompted me today, though. I think I’m quite very fine these days. The huge word of ‘self-pity’ seems very much out of my dictionary now, i can’t think of a single thing to do pitying for. Sympathizing with others grown to be a much more convenient and appropriate emotion, though i’m not very sure it’s a good thing to sympathize with the shop owners when you’re bargaining for a lower price on those overpriced low quality clothes in China. X:

thinking seriously about school matters and the specialization decision that will so affect my future career. School seems such a long way away. Projects, projects and more projects. Tutorials that can never be finished. Time that seems aplenty yet seriously insufficient. Friends that come and go. People you never bothered to say ‘hi’ to… Nothing serious to complain about, for i know this is just life. Yet how i do wish for any pleasant surprises to rock the overly tranquil lake.

Y asked me over dinner that day if i regret going into NTU, having heard the reason why i didn’t go SMU. I didn’t have any answers for that. There are just so many questions i cannot provide answers for– there weren’t even one in myself that i could dig and easily provide to interested parties. Regret. I hardly do. Laughably, the reason for this seemingly great achievement is just a simple one: I don’t really bother myself with reweighing alternatives and past decisions, and not cause i’ve made a hundred right decisions at every single point of time for the whole of my life. I dare not say i’m enjoying my life right now for all the splendid decisions i made in the past, for i am not. Yet i do not wish to say i regretted having made X,Y,Z choices for i am not sure it would have turned out any better by sticking to A,B,C. If i could have the opportunity of living life thrice, once with decisions X,Y,Z and another with A,B,C, i might possibly devote the entire of my 3rd life regretting either of my previous lives, for i do know for sure now that one of them is not for me. Still, i’ve only one life to live right now (and i’m not exactly 100% i’ll like to vote for another if i’m ever given the chance to), and either decision i make i couldn’t have tried out the other. If there is to be something to regret about, it would be the regret that we’ve only an opportunity to take one but not the other. 

NTU. I suppose it’s a really comfortable place to be in, with some room for character changes. V told me on the plane that day, that someone from NUS told her that NUS and SMU folks collectively think that NTU people very ah bengs and ah lians. I nearly died laughing hard internally. Gangsters like? Aha, the origin of that adjective doesn’t seem that difficult to trace. Noting that we smoke, drink, talk hokkien, talk (not speak, for of course we can speak it well if we ever intend to) crappy Singlish, mambo, gamble, play cards everywhere we go, it would be tough trying to classify us otherwise. <–DISCLAIMER: ‘WE’ does not always include the writer, but as a collective description for the school exchange team. Of course, we’re the most well-behaved among the entire gang, retreating to our own mini gatherings at night rather than joining the gambling den after the initial few nights. I would like to think that SMU folks are extremely good at HR management. To date, i’m still facing much difficulties trying to decide if i prefer the SMU’s style of not-nice-but-still-look-friendly or NUS’s tao-then-tao-i-don’t-attempt-to-look-friends. I used to hate the former, now i secretly find the latter slightly unbearable and totally unapproachable. NUS people, i think, are very ‘themselves’. They can be nice, good, friendly, casual, intelligent, knowledgeable etc, but are definitely overshadowed by SMU in terms of ‘interesting-ness’. A comparison i’ll love to use would be Y and D…

Y said he didn’t regret going into SMU. I’ll love to reply him then at that point of time: “But of course, but i’m not like you.’

 

See? The moral of the story lies so close to heart– don’t think back too much, or you’ll never get the chance to see the road in front.